At the Mercy

Many think that everything we do is predetermined.  Churches preach that. Philosophers struggle with the problem of free will versus determinism. Many of us, however, will say that of course we have free will. We are Americans. We can do whatever. Try to stop us.

“Aha!” says modern Electronics. “Try using your phone when the battery is empty. Sure, you are free to load it or not to load it. But where does that get you? Admit it: you are at the mercy of Technology.”

You are writing an important treatise, something truly heretical. Having free will, you are entitled to do this. God will not stop you. But the word processing software will. It suddenly freezes. You cannot write another word. You are at the mercy of the Microsoft Corporation.

You go shopping for some imported black delicatessen pumpernickel. The store does not carry such. No surprise. You are at the mercy of supply and demand.

You order a book for your kindle-1 but it is sent to kindle-2. You are at the mercy of Amazon.

We are free to create or do what we want, but it may go wrong. The more pressing our plan,  the more likely it is to go wrong. Maybe that is what Friedrich Nietzsche meant when he said that free will does not exist.

In sum, we may be free to be creative, to plan our luncheon on the grass with or without clothes, whatever. In the end, however, we are at the mercy of Murphy.

Burnt Offerings

Having read about the gruesome sacrificial rituals of the ancient Aztecs, I found it interesting to hear the why and wherefore of this practice, as suggested by recent anthropological research. It appears that people believed in beings they vaguely referred to as The Gods and that in the beginning of things those gods sacrificed themselves and by that act enabled the people to live and prosper. The “beginning of things” must have been a problem for the Aztecs. Apparently the gods did not create the Aztec world but owed allegiance to some higher power and their self-sacrifice was to honor that higher power, just as the Aztecs’ human sacrifices were a way to honor and thank the gods. The sacrificial victims were most likely voluntary martyrs submitting to a most honorable ritual that was still carried out in the sixteenth century.

It may all sound very absurd. The ruling Spanish friars thought so too and consequently accused the natives of carrying out cruel rituals. They apparently were blind to their own belief in a Christian god who went through the same steps, sacrificing himself for the good of the people. The friars’ instincts were right, however. Human sacrifices to please the gods were passé, even in the sixteenth century. The friars, however, had no trouble living in a world where heretics were burned to death to honor the Christian god.

There must have been quite a few black kettles in those accusers’ own eyes.

© 2018 by Herbert H. Hoffman

Discount Winery

I am not a wine connoisseur. Obviously. Because I buy my pleasant, harmless dry red at three bottles for ten dollars. If I go shopping on one of my thrifty days I buy six bottles and pocket the 10% bulk discount. I buy my fruit and my oatmeal and most everything else I eat at the local supermarket where there is always something “special” and on sale and where people are invited to enjoy the savings on Five-Dollar-Fridays. In other words, it is a humble neighborhood where residents are thrifty, hold on to their wallets, and redeem coupons.

I know, however, that they also like a little whisky or a glass of wine. The evidence I have are the two long aisles in the store devoted to wine, beer, and spirits. This should not surprise anyone. The days of the Prohibition are long gone. What I do find surprising is that this same humble supermarket recently added a glass enclosed walk-in cabinet devoted to the storage and display of the finer wines. There also is a tasting corner, complete with bar stools, separated from the crowds by red velvet ropes suspended from brass rings. Who, I asked myself, would patronize such luxury next to potatoes, bananas, Chlorox spray, and baby food?

It seems that I have totally misjudged my neighbors. I stopped to look at some of the wines on display. The price tags were unbelievable. Nothing under $100 for the 750ml- bottle. There were dozens of wines that sold for more than that. The one that hit the jackpot was priced at $220.00. I found it pathetically humorous that the bourgeois save-on-your-groceries mentality carried over even at this price range. If you buy six bottles, the helpful sign said, the price per bottle is reduced to $200, if you can believe such a bargain.

William Hogarth, the great eighteenth century English master of satirical engravings, is known among others for the picture of a tavern displaying a sign that says Drunk for a Penny, Dead Drunk for Twopence. Were he to come back, would he ever have to recalibrate his burin!

(c) 2018 by Herbert H. Hoffman

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Shadows of Not Long Ago

If you listen to the current President of the United States of America, the Press is the enemy of the people, spreading “fake news”. That does not surprise me  any more. But I learned  early on how that plays out. I grew up in Nazi Germany. When the National Socialists took over the government in 1933, the first thing they did was to shut down all opposition  papers to prevent them from spreading “Jewish lies”.

Beginning in January of 1945, however, three months before the end of the war in Europe, the American army reached Aachen and started the first post-war German newspaper.

The Army, incidentally, lost twenty thousand men in the struggle to get there.  The absurdity is that those twenty thousand American citizens died fighting an enemy whose enemy was, as we now hear, the same as theirs, the free Press.  That of course was a year before the current leader of this Nation was born and, if we stretch it a little, he can be excused for not knowing that in those days the American military administration was so old-fashioned that they actually thought the re-establishment of a free press was vital to the reeducation of us Germans.

But wait!  I am both, one of those reeducated Germans as well as an American citizen. I am confused now. Which is the America we are making great again?

© 2018 by Herbert H. Hoffman

 

On Shipping Out

 

Meadowbrook Valley Park is a misnomer. It is not in a valley. It is on a hillside. But as cemeteries go the Park has one overriding advantage: it is close to my home. Within walking distance actually, yet all the fellows that have come to rest there were brought in by car and a few were carried up on the shoulders of six to eight sturdy sons and grandsons. So far none, I have been assured, availed themselves of the pedestrian access.

It is a nice, well-kept place. “Henry will have a beautiful view of the ocean,” I once overheard the widow exclaim during her husband’s funeral. To which the officiating Bishop replied: “Good luck!” But it is a nice place, don’t get me wrong. They recently had an advertisement in the local newspaper announcing their 2018 summer specials at zero interest for twelve months. If you could be sure of renaissance this might be a good deal, on a trial basis. Me, I would rather pass on this offer and stay where I am..

I was intrigued by their Personal Planning Guide. Not that I was planning to depart as yet. Only a desperate pseudo-existentialist would do such a thing. But it drove home to me that your death does indeed require some planning if you want to save your survivors a lot of trouble.

With the offer of the guide, and as a neat come-on symbolizing, I assume, your last supper, the Park also threw in a voucher for a local restaurant, valid while supplies last. I am the last person to refuse a free meal but in this case I fervently hope that they will run out. It would be a little too morbid for me.

I must admit, though, that all these musings made me pay attention to  other reminders of the unavoidable. I saw a huge sign in a strip mall announcing a sale on coffins, for example. On first reading I thought it was coffee, but no, I had read it correctly. It is just that I had never heard of such an offer. Until I found out that you can buy your coffin even at Costco, except that they call them caskets. And being Costco they probably package them in twos. I could not help noticing that they have two kinds. One is called the Gardener casket at $900 each, the other is the President casket, priced a little lower than the gardener at $800, thus politicizing even my funeral. Shame on them. I also found out that it is legal to sell coffins, or caskets, made out of cardboard. The FTC is not worried about that except, neutral as any government organization should be, they have standardized the terminology and call all such vessels Containers. And if your brain is wired the same as mine you must now have visions of huge container ships.  Are we ready to be shipped out in a container?

© 2018 by Herbert H. Hoffman

Is the Hun at the Gate?

In the days when Tsar Peter was ruling Russia and the Great Northern War was raging the invading Swedish forces lived off the land. Russian farmers would prepare for the Swedish soldiers’ raids by stashing away supplies in secret places and then pretending to have nothing. The Swedish soldiers, however, came upon a very simple and effective way to make the farmers give them the key: they took away the children. More recently, the Hitler government rounded up unwanted people. He had them separated into men, women, and children. I think I know what happened to the men and the women. I wish I did not know about the children. But the testimony of SS-Obersturmfuhrer Hafner is on record: “The children were brought in a tractor. The Wehrmacht had already dug a grave…”  I am glad, though, to know that the surviving guilty members of the Nazi German government were hanged.

One of the four judges was an American. America was great then. He had a right to be righteous. But now America has its own problem with unwanted people. Granted, we have no King Charles, no Hitler, but we have made a start. We have a White House Chief of Staff who is determined to deter people from coming here by any means. Including the taking away of their children, as he admitted on camera.

It seems that taking their children is indeed a very effective way to get people’s attention. “Gotcha!”, as the Pied Piper of Hamelin said, pulling the kids behind him into the mountain.

©2018 by Herbert H. Hoffman

On Silence

I am not one of those that hear the grass grow. Nor do I hear the squirrel’s heartbeat, to borrow another concept from George Eliot. But then I would not want to hear such things, anyway. I would settle for just hearing what those around me are saying. Not that I do not “hear” them – if anything, I am annoyed by the din, the constant roar that surrounds me – but I would also like to understand what people are saying. I find it very taxing to give a well-reasoned cohesive answer to a question I did not understand. I am not a reliable conversation partner. Folks may be put off when they discuss Macy’s sale of pots and pans and I respond that I don’t really need any socks, nor pants. The short of the story is that the family counsel came to the conclusion that I should have a hearing test.

This was done. Among other things they put earphones on me and I had to listen to words and then repeat them. The first one was the word “clarinet”. Then came the word “woods”.  Hello, I thought, this is going to go my way. The next word was “reed”. Didn’t I guess that? This was fun, actually. The next word was “laughed” followed by the word “fest”. This test was music to my ears because I was thinking “Mozart”. Unfortunately the music was only in my head. I had the fest all wrong, and it was nothing to laugh at. It had not been clarinet but cabinet; goods, not woods; followed by “weed”, “graft”, and “west”. What a downer. There went Wolfgang Amadeus. I probably should look for a recording of the Concert in A for Clarinet while I can still hear. But I digress.

I came away with a chart showing what was normal hearing (in black) vs. what was me (in red). This explains a lot and people make allowances because they understand that old age and my deteriorating inner ear ganglion cells slow down my brain. Many are supportive, none more so than the Edison Company. When I call them to pay my bill the helpful voice on the recording always warns me: “While you are waiting you may hear silence!”

You can say that again, Sister.

© 2018 by Herbert H. Hoffman

NaCl Weaponized

If you are young and healthy you seldom see a physician. You do not think about blood pressure, salt, and heart attacks either. Your systolic blood pressure is about 120 mmHG. But then you get old and the situation changes. You go to the doctor more often than you would like, and you watch with apprehension when they measure your blood pressure. You also learn some Greek and start to talk about hypertension vs. hypotension. Both are bad news. One day, some years ago, the paramedics measured my blood pressure at about 79 mmHG and took me straight to the emergency room. I learned that day that low blood pressure can be deadly, depending on how hypo you go. My case, luckily, was not serious enough to worry. They sent me home again.

The real bugaboo, however, is hypertension. You do not want any of it. It could do damage to your heart, to your arteries, your kidneys, your brain, or all of those together. And it could interfere with your sex life or cause other similarly tragical dysfunctions. I have been lucky so far.  I do not have hypertension.  But my cardiologist put me on a low salt diet anyway, “to keep it that way,” as he warned me.  One learns something every day. I learned then to stay away from sausages, soups, sauces, and other salty things, and that is also why I spend more time reading labels than actually shopping on my visits to the supermarket.

I have to admit that I spent almost a century now in total ignorance of the dangers of excess salt in everything we eat, although much of this, I suspect, was already known in the glory days of Gomorrah. We read in ancient scriptures that the Gomorreans were sinful. I suspect that they were a fun-loving crowd and that their sins included gluttony, meaning that they tended to eat more than was good for them, especially spicy food, and much more salt than the maximum daily amount their creator had carefully measured out for them, a warning they, being humans, blissfully disregarded. He was so upset with their irresponsible behavior that, as we would say today, he “nuked” them to oblivion. A few survivors ran away. “Get out!” he shouted after them. “And don’t you ever come back. Don’t even look back!”

He must have been a vengeful god, given to severity. When one of the women furtively glanced back he selected her as an example to others. She died. Of too much salt. So much, actually, that she turned into solid salt, one hundred per cent pure sodium chloride. Not much more has been published about the affair, other than the fact that this was her unfortunate lot.

Here you have it then, the untold story of Sodium and Gomorrah.

© 2018 by Herbert H. Hoffman. Picture credit: clipart

The Importance Of Scrolling Down

A Story, quasi  monitum, or at least a warning.

I thought I was seeing a ghost. There was Charlie Hunter! Sitting on the bench in the bus stop kiosk. We had been neighbors some years ago. No, it couldn’t be Charlie. Impossible: I had just read his obituary in the Sunday Courier. A substantial write-up. Died peacefully in his sleep, the paragraph had concluded.

“You aren’t Charlie Hunter, aren’t you?” I addressed the man, somewhat haltingly. I mean, people do look alike sometimes.

“Oh Hi, Elmer!” he said as he turned his face up to see me. “Haven’t seen you in a while. How are you?”

For a moment I felt a little woozy. This was nothing if not eerie.
“What brings you to these parts?” I finally managed to say. Could not think of anything else to say to a person who isn’t any more.

“I’m on my way to the cardiologist,” he said. There was nothing ghostly in his speech. “The old ticker, you know, needs a little boost now and then. Nothing special, just get my routine annual checkup.”

I was still not quite sure if I was dreaming, losing my mind, or what.
“So,” — I was fishing for suitable words — “So you are really quite well then?”

“Oh yes,” he smiled. “I am still up on the world. Quit smoking, you know. Clears the mind and the pipes, I tell you. Sometimes I do feel my age, though. The modern world puzzles me. Everything seems to go so fast these days. Where is everybody going in such a hurry? And then the computer. I swear there lurks a dybbuk in that machine. Can’t tell you how many emails and things I have lost or messed up because I forgot to save or send, or because I clicked on the wrong confounded button.”

This was no time for chit-chat, I felt. I mean, how weird can you let a situation get? So I told him straight out that I had read his obituary in the paper, enumerating all his accomplishments, how his children respected him, and all the nice comments his co-workers had left. I was not prepared for his reply.

“Yea, I read it too”, he said. “I get the e-version of the paper. Made me feel really good about myself. I had no idea people liked me that much.”

“But don’t you understand? It said that you had died!”

“It said what?” he turned with a start. “Where did you see that?”

“At the very bottom of the obituary notice. ‘Died in his sleep’ it said.”

There was a long pause. Neither of us moved. Then he burst out laughing: “Oh for God’s sake, I done it again.”

“What?” I had to swallow. “What did you do again?”

“I have done this before. I read something, you know, a message, a letter maybe, and then I click on the ‘close’ button and go about my business.”

“Hold on, hold on,” I said, to myself, mostly.  ” All this cannot be real?”

“It is, apparently.” Charlie said.  “My fault, I guess,”  he admitted, somewhat subdued.  And after a pause, “Didn’t I say there is a dybbuk in that system? Seems that you never know what you miss if you don’t scroll down!”

(c) 2018 by Herbert H Hoffman

The Difficulty of Change

Modern Hawaiians, I am told, are not particularly religious. They will tell you, however, that there is a goddess of fire and volcanos, Pele by name. She lives on Kilauea and from time to time makes the mountain blow its top. That explains a lot as we are finding out. There was a time when it explained everything because, after all, she was a goddess. Things have changed. Pele is no longer a goddess.  She has been demoted to a mythological figure, a creation of man’s mind.

The ancient people of Iceland also believed in a god of fire and volcanos. They named him Surtr and he was in charge of making the mountains spew lava. He is no longer a god either, only a mythological fiction of the mind. To be safe, though, maybe the people of Iceland should thank him for supplying them with free hot water.

We must not forget Hephaistos, the ancient Greeks’ mythological god of fire whom the Romans called Vulcan. No need to say more about him. He, too, has been demoted. The last time he was still a god was two thousand years ago when he made Mount Vesuvius erupt.

But things have changed, we think. Mythology makes for a humorous story perhaps, but you cannot take it seriously. At least not when it comes to volcanos. For that we need the truth.  I can’t help the feeling, though, that myths are more comforting than truth and so we hang on to Yahweh, a god “at whose touch the mountains smoke” (Psalm 104:32), something we love to recite in churches. Plus ça change, the French say: the more things change, the more everything remains the same.

Maybe not all that much has changed since Pele, Surtr, and Vulcan were at the helm.

© 2018 by Herbert H. Hoffman

Picture credit: Gunnar Gestur, www.demilked.com