My greeting goes to Chateaubriand. Not the steak cooked in butter but the author of Memoires d’outre-tomb. Which he published at age 80 to tell us wise things from beyond the grave. I also am thinking of telling people wise things, but I prefer to do that from this side of the tomb. Life, he is said to have suggested, is spent hovering round our tomb. This is much too dark and morbid. Who wants to hear such pessimistic memoirs? I will write a book and call it Mémoires de ce côté-ci.
I already started. But it is not as easy as I thought. I find myself telling young people: “Wait ’till you are my age. You will be a lot older then.” Good Lord, Chateaubriand could have said that. Or Yogy Berra. Was I not going to be more positive, more life-affirming? I must try to do better.
“Life is a dream?” Don’t get hung up on that idea. It isn’t. It is more like a roller coaster. Scream all you want. It will not stop for you. You are stuck.” Here I go again, still too morbid.
“Always scan the obituaries. Make it a Sunday morning habit. That way you will start the week in a good mood, happy that you once more did not get listed.” Now that’s much better. At least I mentioned the word ‘happy.’ How about this one: “At your age, don’t pinch pennies, Man. Pinch dollars! You can’t take them with you, no?” Trouble is he may not have any left. Scratch that.
O.k. “Some times you may not feel good. That is no crime. Just remember that you will not feel better until you feel better.” Now that one I will let stand. People will study this and write dissertations about it.
When we were children we were told always to speak the truth. Bad idea. I still remember my supervisor telling me sixty years ago not to be so definite when discussing matters of business with customers. This line of thought translates into a new rule: “Never tell it like it is.” Example: you refer to this person over there as ‘an old woman.’ That’s a no-no however. What if she hears you? It Is bad enough to be a woman. But an old one? Never. So what do you do? You make her younger, of course. But how? Simple. The English language has one word which like the Roman god Janus has two faces. This Janus-word is ‘older.’ On the side of truth the word means’older than old.’ Flip the word over and it means ‘younger than old.’ In this simple way we convert an old woman into an older lady, i.e. a younger one.
In my Memoirs from this side of the to tomb I shall be bold and challenge Francois Rene by declaring that life is spent hovering round the truth and having a good time doing it, staying this side of the tomb.