Month: June 2020

Twelve score and five years ago our Founding Fathers declared it to be self-evident that all men were created equal. They were wrong, and we knew it but did not have the gumption to set things right. It took a martyr, as so often happened in history, to finally start the ball rolling. We –  no — the world owes thanks to George Floyd and all who dared to protest, come hell or high water, the police, or even the United States Army, or was it our would-be dictator’s own army? He talked that way. But bless him anyway. It is a tough job for a poorly prepared man with a demagogic streak.

A few years ago there was a fad, a pet rock that would bring you luck. You bought it from some character. People mostly treated it as a joke but a few believed in it. I did not.

However, I should not be talking big. I half believe in another weird phenomenon. Perhaps you do too. I am talking about the Sockeater. Mine used to live in the garage behind the washing machine. Every so often he took one of my socks. I have proof. Half a drawer full of single socks. What else could have happened to those socks? They never showed up again.

I say that he used to live behind the washing machine. He has recently moved inside the machine. I know I put three pairs of socks in the drum.  There were none left in the hamper. And yet, only two pairs and one single came out. I practically scraped the drum clean. No sock left. Can you blame me if I believe?

There is another Gremlin out in the garage, right under my toolbox, I believe. He does not take much, and then only small things such is minuscule little nuts that so easily flip from between your fingers. You see it fall, noticing precisely where it came to rest. You bend down to pick it up and it is no longer there. He is so fast, that guy. Trouble is, that was usually the only nut that size you had. So annoying.

Do you have a favorite screwdriver? One that hefts so well and is just the right size for most jobs? You had it for more than fifteen years, the handle was getting a little dirty, to put it mildly. Come some fine Monday morning a few months ago and it was gone.  Sounds familiar? Did you ever find yours again? Of course not. It was consumed, handle and all. That is why some hobbyists lock their tools away every evening.

This brings me back to the pet rock. I must have insulted the Rock family, the Rockies, so to say. Lately I noticed that the layer of expensive white marble chips with which I filled one of my flower beds is getting noticeably thinner and thinner. I do not want to rush to judgement, but Holmes agrees with me: elementary, dear Watson. The pet rocks are seeking revenge!

I am fearless provided it does not hurt. That is how I feel about medical procedures. Which keeps me in a constant state of apprehension whenever I get sick.

Some years ago I had to submit to a bone marrow sampling. The hematologist poked me brutally. I lived in fear of hematologists after that. Recently, however, it became absolutely necessary to get another sample.

Of course I worried myself to death. All for nothing: enormous progress has been made in this procedure. It is now done under light anesthesia and I felt absolutely nothing!

I am reporting this for all men and women who, like me, fear bone marrow sampling.

You are welcome.

 

 

If, as some people believe, humor consists in the recognition of incongruities, and if, as I claim, some humor is not at all the stuff you laugh at, then I have a contribution to the debate.

I remember vividly how in 1945 my country, Germany, lay in shambles. If it had not been for the American occupation forces we would not even have had a government to speak of, our own having evaporated. As a matter of fact, just 75 years ago nothing worth happening in Germany was possible without American approval.

How much has changed in that brief span of years: now the United States lie in shambles and the “Leader of the Free World” cannot even get a conference going without the approval of Angela Merkel, the leader of Germany.

Yesterday I suggested that the time has come to give up the habit of believing this literally, as the Americans of 1776 did. Or did they? It sounded good and so it slipped untested into the Declaration of Independence.

Today I wonder who should be our leader in making these words come true, a colossal nationshaking enterprise, I would think.

Do we have such a leader?

Consider: “All Men are Created Equal!” We have been living the lie since 1776. This may be a good time to bring our soporose minds up to date.