I am not one of those that hear the grass grow. Nor do I hear the squirrel’s heartbeat, to borrow another concept from George Eliot. But then I would not want to hear such things, anyway. I would settle for just hearing what those around me are saying. Not that I do not “hear” them – if anything, I am annoyed by the din, the constant roar that surrounds me – but I would also like to understand what people are saying. I find it very taxing to give a well-reasoned cohesive answer to a question I did not understand. I am not a reliable conversation partner. Folks may be put off when they discuss Macy’s sale of pots and pans and I respond that I don’t really need any socks, nor pants. The short of the story is that the family counsel came to the conclusion that I should have a hearing test.
This was done. Among other things they put earphones on me and I had to listen to words and then repeat them. The first one was the word “clarinet”. Then came the word “woods”. Hello, I thought, this is going to go my way. The next word was “reed”. Didn’t I guess that? This was fun, actually. The next word was “laughed” followed by the word “fest”. This test was music to my ears because I was thinking “Mozart”. Unfortunately the music was only in my head. I had the fest all wrong, and it was nothing to laugh at. It had not been clarinet but cabinet; goods, not woods; followed by “weed”, “graft”, and “west”. What a downer. There went Wolfgang Amadeus. I probably should look for a recording of the Concert in A for Clarinet while I can still hear. But I digress.
I came away with a chart showing what was normal hearing (in black) vs. what was me (in red). This explains a lot and people make allowances because they understand that old age and my deteriorating inner ear ganglion cells slow down my brain. Many are supportive, none more so than the Edison Company. When I call them to pay my bill the helpful voice on the recording always warns me: “While you are waiting you may hear silence!”
You can say that again, Sister.
© 2018 by Herbert H. Hoffman